Hello Paradise

Update: 27

They call Singapore "Asia for beginners" because while you can easily get a cheap noodle soup and spring rolls for lunch, the chaos that Asian hawkers and street vendors are famous for is somewhat controlled. People walk around listening to iPods while, in Cambodia at least, iPods are substituted for chickens.

Our stop was short and sweet. A catch up with our good friends Tom and Kate (Tom asked for special mention so that he can Google himself - he doesn't get out much), some sneaky electronic purchases and an introduction to Asian shopping which involved exposure to fully automated wobbling, spine crunching, massaging, reclining leather chairs which we spent a good hour trying out while humouring the salesman who could not seriously have thought that two backpackers in need of a change of wardrobe and a shave (me, not Tam) were considering spending £3,000 on a 500kg machine tool masquerading as furniture. I was also particularly enthused by some ladies hair removal cream endorsed by the "Third Runner Up: Mister Singapore". So, that'll be the ladyboy who came fourth then? Wow, it must really be something!

***

So, into Cambodia. I love being back in the Third World. Elaborate, page filling visas are issued at the airport. The tedious application forms (which I think are there only to make the $20 fee seem more official than robbing tourists) require a photograph. Or if you don't have a photo of yourself, a picture of George Washington on a greenback. That's when I knew the "visa" story had nothing to do with National Security and everything to do with a quick buck: either they need the picture or they don't. What are they going to do with the dollar? Buy a photo of me somewhere?

Good business this developing country border control...  

Out of the airport and into the fray. On the back of two scooter taxis with our rucksacks between the drivers' legs and each of us hanging on to the seats and our bowels, we zipped through some form of rush hour. I mean there was traffic congestion but the donkey carts didn't seem to be rushing anywhere.

While fact books on Cambodia state that "driving is on the right", I think a truer statement would be "driving follows a general theme of being on the right". Driving in Cambodia is electric. Electric in that traffic follows the path of least resistance. Example: you arrive at a red light, there is a petrol station on your right. Leave road A by veering right into the aforementioned petrol station, exit left onto road B perpendicular to road A. You are now facing a green light at which you can turn right and continue on road A.

We liked Phnom Penh. It's a little rough around the edges, but considering what the inhabitants have been through in the last thirty years, it retains a sense of charm. One of the best bars we've drunk in on this trip is a covered roof terrace with open sides and big ceiling fans overlooking the Tonle Sap river. Called the Foreign Correspondents' Club and decorated with emotive photographs taken when the Khmer Rouge "liberated" Phnom Penh in April 1975 (before journalists were expelled), you really feel like you've gone back in time. Except your life's not at risk.

Not all the restaurants on this strip were so comfortable. Eating some traditional Khmer cooking later that evening, I noticed a gecko on the wall opposite. Doing the universal pinched forefinger/thumb bzzzt-slap action I indicated to the waiter that this is a good sign as geckos eat mosquitoes. (I was guessing they do, but it started some conversation). He agreed and went bzzzt-slap "mosquito" too.

After we'd eaten and I sat back to enjoy my coffee, I noticed that the gecko had gone, but on the wall next to me was a reasonably sized cockroach. To the same waiter I shook my head, curled my lip and said "mmm, cucaracha not so good." A western waiter might have said "Ooh, sorry sir" and rushed around to get rid of it. Our waiter smiled at me and said, "Him come closer. I think he like you!". Yes, thanks. I think I'll call him Graham.

Phnom Penh differs to most cities in that a visit here usually involves seeing the Khmer Rouge's Security Prison, S-21 and the nearby Killing Fields at Cheong Ek where thousands of Cambodians were tortured, raped, beaten and executed under the Pol Pot regime. Both now form part of a genocide museum that is a traumatic and infuriating experience.  Traumatic in that so many innocent people were so gruesomely killed right where you stand, and infuriating in knowing that mankind seems to learn nothing from these atrocities. They have happened since and will happen again.

As you can imagine, after all that, you could do with a holiday. So we went to Sihanoukville. An unspoilt coastal town still coming to grips with the fact that tourists can be charged more. Our room, en suit, was $6 a night. We're usually happy with $10 a night each! This meant more disposable cash for cocktails on the beach. Pina Coladas were a heavy $2 each. You can't beat a Pina Colada so we kept our daily spend rate up to par by sipping those. Lazing on the Gulf of Thailand, the sun dipping into the water in front of us, the waves lapping the shore only a few metres away and lying back in those big round chushiony chairs that you're allowed to put your feet on, I realised Tamsin was the girl for me. Drink in one hand and shuffling into position for the evening, the back of her chair sank into the soft sand. Expecting tears and a mess, I dreaded to look. A concerned waitress ran over to help  but was brushed aside with "Leesie! My drink!".

"Oh God," I thought "there goes the evening." I turned to look and there was my wife, skirt over her head, feet in the air, sand in her face with an arm stretched out offering me a cocktail complete little umbrella. "Take it!" she shouted.

Not a drop spilt, I tell ya. Not a drop. Good girl.

***

Okay, a quick quiz: two tourists on a moped collide with three monks on another. How many bodies are in the road?

Five? No. Six. You forgot the monks' driver.

We'd heard about an unspoiled beach (where people from the unspoiled main beach go to get away from it all) not far away, but only accessible by taxi. Or motorbike. So we hired a bike and, still coming to grips with unorthodox traffic behaviour I pulled out into the right hand side of the road. I was a fool, because that had already been claimed by the local monastry's football team who were coming straight at us on scooter. (To be fair to them, there were already cars on the right-hand side). Fortunately we didn't hit them but were both a little rattled by the experience. So, nerves shot, I steered us in the direction of this remoter beach. While we were gunning along at about 30kmh, I said over my shoulder to Tam, "I wonder what all these cordoned off bits of land are for?" Not that much later, as it dawned on us both that we we're blazing a trail in one of the most heavily mined countries on the planet, that maybe, just maybe, we should stick to the path, I dropped anchors and searched out a tyre track to follow. We made it there and back and to this day we don't know what the empty cordoned off plots of land were for, but I really needed a Pina Colada on return.

***

Finally the time came to head up to the famous Angkor Wat. Built between the 9th and 13th centuries these ancient temples are a sight to behold. The most famous, Angkor Wat itself, is reached by bridge over a moat reflecting the impressive building and doubling its grandeur. It really is a sight to behold. Of the ruins we've seen on this trip, these impressed us the most. By a long way.

The other temples vary in size, but many of them create an unreal feeling that you're on the set of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was bloody annoyed with myself for not taking my newly purchased Aussie leather bush hat, but c'est la vie.

After a late lunch of fried noodles (we thought we'd be boring and skip the "fried frog (or eel) spicy") in a restaurant that proudly stated it served "vegetarian and non-vegetarian food" (which is lucky for them, or they could find themselves in a pickle), we hired two bicycles - mopeds are for monks - and set off on the 8km ride to the ruins.

You remember I said there's a theme of driving on the right? Well, that's true for bicycles too. Unless you're a white guy in a vest and the police see you in which case it's an on the spot admission-of-guilt-cash-payment-with-no-receipt fine of a dollar.

Unless you pretend you didn't hear and ride off.

We made the ride in a sweltering heat in time for sunset but vowed to take a tuk-tuk (bike taxi with carriage trailer) the next morning for sunrise.

Tuk-tuk drivers were easy to find. They slept in the corridor of our ambitiously named hotel "Hello Paradise". Hello, can I step past you into my room, more like.

***

On our penultimate day in Cambodia, we paid a visit to the Cambodia Landmine Museum. The tragic past in this beautiful country is so recent. I really had to hold back tears when we were shown around the museum by a one-armed twelve year old landmine victim. I couldn't make out his name, but he told us that he'd been out looking for food with his grandfather at the age of six when the old man stood on a mine. With an arm blown off and now alone, he walked back home. Reading that is one thing - being told it in person is chilling. The museum is run by a former Khmer Rouge child soldier who switched sides and now trains villagers - at his own expense - to find and disarm mines. He also houses and feeds these child victims. These are people with nothing making a tangible difference to the lives of people with even less. I felt sick with guilt at how fortunate my life is.

  ***

After Siem Reap, we caught a taxi to the border (three hours, $35) and then a train (six hours, $1) to Bangkok.

As the boys from ABBA said....

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

The place is insane. We met up with our mate Murray and did what you'd have expected us to do in this "mad disco of a city" (I read that somewhere). As women and children read this site, I'm not going to elaborate save to say, I've had my eyes opened!

Take it easy. Borneo next.